Names, again

I'm in the mood to acquire new names, which may not be advisable, what with me only just getting people to call me Riva. It doesn't matter so far, since the only new names have been for parts of myself, not the unified whole.

Quiet is now Silence. Invisible Girl is now Nothing. Not big changes, really, except it accepts that Invisible Girl doesn't even have a voice. She cannot be observed in any way, so she's Nothing. I was Nothing all weekend. It was yucky and hard and I wanted to give up, but I didn't. It's kind of amazing how I didn't.

This is wanting to turn into an examination of my tendency to give up. I guess I can let it, now.

No one would describe me as a pacifist. I'm casually violent, though I rarely cause permanent harm. Nonetheless, I believe in pacifism. I don't believe people should have to fight to get what they need. This mostly expresses itself when I refuse to fight for something that I really need. Or at least, that's how I was, as of Friday. I haven't mentioned this to people, but I guess I should write about it.

Friday morning, I gave up on school. I just decided I wasn't going to go back. Ever. It got too hard, so I gave up. I took the easy path, as usual. My mom talked me out of that, spending hours of both Saturday and Sunday convincing me I didn't have to give up, that fighting was worth it.

School Monday was the hardest thing I've done since I adopted the principle of quitting, at least six years ago. School today was the easiest it's been since at least five years ago.

So, something about deciding not to give up was worth it, I guess. Not being Nothing is a damn good feeling. Talking about what I'm doing with my life, liking the idea of doing it even though it's hard is new and amazing. The thing with Silence is that I can't hear her any more than anyone else, anymore.

I don't know that I'm who I was, but I'm pretty sure I'm who I should be.

A post about inevitable psychology coming soon, I think.