Thoughts on Thoughts5

The phrase appeared in my mind as I was talking to a friendly acquaintance "I'm out of practice at treating people decently." This definitely requires immediate examination. Firstly, what I meant by that.

I meant that I'm not good at respecting peoples' ideas, treating as equals, without condescending, even in cases where it seems to be justified.

That last phrase needs looking at. Cases where it seems to be justified are places where I know more about a subject, and think of it as inherently obvious. In such a case, I automatically become overly arrogant and secure in my knowledge. That's, among other things, not a useful reaction because it colors any advice I give with the feeling of being laughed at, which is not a way to be listened to at all in the slightest.

But that isn't really all I meant. I have issues with the concept of humanity. I've known that for a very long time. At first, I decided that (very young) people who didn't examine their world closely, people who made a lot of noise, people who teased other people, weren't human. Then I revised it to the opposite, making human a bad thing to be. Since then (8 or 9 yrs old), my views have flipped back and forth, but the group of people I respect has always been very very small.

Lately, I've even had difficulty respecting my mom. Logically, that's horrible, and unbelievable, and I'm fucked up. I already know that, thank you. Emotionally, the idea makes sense to me. She made a decision that deprived her of a quality that defines humanity (the good thing), and so, for all that I love her, and agree that she's doing much better with her life than I am with mine, I can't even think of her as an equal.

I should change that. How? Convince my subconscious mind of what my conscious mind knows: that all people are deserving of respect. How? by treating them with respect, whether or not I feel it at first. If I can just keep remembering to do that, everything will be much much better in my life, and the lives of people around me.