Names

I've collected nicknames for myself since I was seven or so. Every few years, I'll find one that really fits, and it will become my usename. No 'r' in that.

For the last few years, I was so obsessed with dividing up my consiousness that I didn't have one name. I went by my birth name, or a combination of names, or whichever name fit my mood. Lately, that hasn't been working so well. I'm starting to feel like I need a name that I choose for myself for use at least in my head.

I came up with my name a while ago, but only decided it actually fit well last night (or earlier today, really). I'm Riva now, in my head. It comes from Alarivana, but uses a combination of letters that never was a name before. It's clearly related to Rivka, which apparently means something to me now. It also is pronounced Reava, making me think of Reavers and reminding me of the side of myself I like to forget. It's a good name.

I have no idea if I want to use this in person. If people start calling me by it, I won't mind, but it doesn't matter that much. In past, I wouldn't have even told this name to anyone, because it's too close to my true name, and I'm superstitious. I didn't know true names very well when I came to that conclusion. Mine doesn't translate into sound, so I figure I'm safe.

One name I don't want to be called is Alarivana. I never was Alarivana. She's a character of mine, not me.

First Thoughts

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and most of it isn't stuff that fits very well into words. When I do find words, they're full concepts expressed as simple statements that make little or no sense. I really don't like explaining them. For tonight, my idea is:

People assume I'm depressed because I don't express joy.

hmm. There actually is a bit of explaining/extension that goes with that thought. In myself, that assumption is different. I don't determine my own emotions based on what I express to the world, unlike people-who-aren't-me. However, I still make the mistake of assuming I'm depressed. I think it comes down to the fact that I don't feel anything I'd guess was joy based on the people around me's expressions of joy. Nothing I feel would make me want to react the way most people do when they feel joy. I can't imagine why it took me this long to realize that, especially since I spent so long when I was younger learning to have facial expression. It wasn't automatic. Most body language wasn't. And so now, I have to figure out what joy feels like, not in terms of gestures, but in terms of the weight of the emotion. If anyone ever reads this (I've yet to decide if I'll give out a link) any advice would be welcome.