soon, yeah...

So much for updating this blog more regularly. I guess I couldn't really think of issues to write about in it. I am updating my livejournal pretty regularly, but it's friends-locked, so only people with livejournals of their own can read it.

I'm generally doing pretty well with dealing with my life and my mind right now, but there are a few things that don't make sense, so I'll be using this to work them out over the next few days. It's a good system.

Subject for the remainder of this post: I never want to go home.

Last night, I didn't go home until 1 AM. My mother wanted me to leave where I was by midnight at the latest. It was 12:52 when I finally called her to come pick me up.

It wasn't as if I was particularly happy where I was, either. It was a pretty unpleasant party, except for Simple and a few other people. Simple is going to be the subject of one of my next posts. I just don't really like the sort of party where most people are very drunk, though they were good people to be around when they were sober. I spent about an hour outside, listening to a conversation to which I had nothing to contribute, because inside was worse. I said I was fine because I wasn't needing to get away from the stupidity as much as I sometimes do. (More about saying I was fine in the post about Simple.) It didn't give me a pounding headache, make me crazy or sick to my stomach. I think that's mostly from the marajuana smoke, when it happens.

But still, I wasn't happy there. I could have gone home, my mom would have been happier if I'd come home, I probably would have been happier at home. So why didn't I?

This isn't the first time I've stayed in an unpleasant situation rather than return to my house. I've spent hours wandering almost alone in downtown Berkeley to avoid going home, and more hours standing around listening to a conversation that doesn't interest me rather than going home.

I get along okay with my parents, I like the space of my house and the safety of my room. My back yard feels like a home to me, definitely, so the obvious reason of not feeling welcome or safe at my house isn't right.

My semiconscious mind, which is what has been giving reasons for this before says it's because there's nothing for me to do at home. Is that true? I have a computer with instant messaging programs installed, so I can talk to people, but I don't get hugs while home. I have my flute, which I haven't played in months, even though I love her dearly. I have my story beginnings, sculptures, sewing projects, mind cleansing rituals, beads, a wonderful garden to sit or walk in when it's light out. I don't have direct interraction with people when I'm home, though. I tend to be in a different room than either of my parents, and they work at home and are always busy.

That could be a reason to stay out, because I did spend the entire night cuddling with Simple. If Simple hadn't been there, I wouldn't have gone home, though. I would have tried to cuddle with Bright (old friend, and ex. at the time we broke up, we had violently clashing worldviews, but we've helped each other change, and are now much more similar) and do whatever she was doing. I know she wasn't drinking, anyway. If Bright had left, I would have, even if Simple was still there. That's because I didn't know anyone else there very well, says my thought pattern, and it seems to be right. I don't even know Simple hugely well.

So, I don't want to be alone, but being with only people I don't know very well, if at all, is as bad as, or worse than, being alone. That's what I have so far. But I've stayed after school very late with people I didn't know very well, just to avoid going home, so I guess there's more.

The theory I came up with as I was starting to write this is that going home also means there's stuff I should be doing but don't want to. If I'm not home all day, I don't have to put dishes away or work on my homework or clean my room. It can all wait until tomorrow. I am a procrastinator, hugely so. I know this, and it's yet another thing to work out sometime.

If this is linked into procrastinating, it'll be harder to deal with. I can deal with the part about not wanting to be alone, but the thing with procrastination is that it makes you put off solving it. "I can deal with my procrasintation problem later, when I have more time and less other stuff to deal with." I guess I'm not doing that anymore, if I'm blogging about it. Procrastination deserves its own post, so I guess I should finish this one up.

Reason I don't want to come home, as established by examination of my thought processes is as follows: Home, while a safe place, is a lonely place, and a place where anything I do is overshadowed by the thought of the things I should be doing instead.

What can I do about that? The obvious solution is hugely unpleasant: get rid of the overshadowing things by getting them done. That ties back into the procrastination and deserves examination in its own right. I guess it's a goal to strive towards anyway, and thinking about the blocks soon will help.

As for the loneliness, in past it wasn't an issue. I'm an only child, I've learned how to entertain myself without people, and even like being alone more than most people. I think the desire to be around people all the time is a learned response, and one that does not, in the end, serve my best interest. So, unlearn that. Remember how to never feel too lonely, how to be creative and revel in the chance to think uninterrupted. I can certainly do that, and it will be good for me in other ways, too. Might even help with doing all the things I procrastinate.

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That was very soothing and useful. Overall, the blogging to sort out my thought processes is a Really Good Idea, and theirfore should be used. Now, if I can just remember that and make time to do this...