The Game

How it meshes with the Dance, I don't know. It's existance for me has been accepted on much the same level as the Dance. They aren't the same, though.

The Game is a choice.

People who know me in person might have heard the rant about how the Dance is unchangable and omnipresent, and how we should just ignore it because of that. The Game isn't like that. Most people don't play.

Maybe most people do play, and just don't acknowledge it. Maybe it's one of those things that should be subconsious and isn't for me. In any case, most people aren't governed by it to the extent that I am.

I shouldn't even be posting this. It's breaking all the rules. Soon, my brain will catch up and make me not post this because it's giving away my advantage.

I don't want that advantage anymore. I want out. I want to not second-guess everyone. I want to say what I think, or only change that for tact. I don't want to be keeping myself one step (or two steps, or ten steps) ahead of everyone. I don't want to watch and wait and pretend. I don't want my life to be based on predicting people and avoiding showing my own pattern.

I've been trying to get out of this for weeks now. It's not working. The watching people, finding their motives, is ingrained into how I relate to people now. And of course I can't tell anyone those opinions, because it'd be giving away my hand. I haven't been able to fill out a single johari window, even though everyone's posting them. Nonetheless, here. Fill it out. It'll hurt me like hell, but it'll still be a good thing.

And while I'm at it, this will hurt even more but be healthy for my mind, too.

Posting this quickly before my brain catches up. Almost into panic mode now.