It's 1 in the morning. I'm doing schoolwork that I should have done Saturday (I would say yesterday or day before yesterday, but I'm not sure which) and angsting at myself and generally avoiding sleeping. All of the above are very good signs that I'm in Falling mode again. fun.
Except that it is fun. People are so pretty when they're dying, hurting, when you can taste the blood on their nipples. I suspect that this will be another of those posts that does not last more than a few hours. Maybe I should leave it by way of explanation of why I don't usually write introspective stuff at 1 AM.
I need to stop scaring Michael. It's not fair to him; he didn't ask to be the person who gets to lecture me about leaving bruises on my neck, or my face turning bright red. He didn't say 'I don't mind if you go into accidental altered states of mind around me, during which you nearly kill yourself, then spend half an hour not talking while copying out song lyrics.' He didn't give me permission to be like that around him. I feel horribly guilty, really. It's just that he's there at all the wrong times. I really don't think having 6th period Lit works with my mind. It's better than math, just barely, but it seems to lead to really wierd states of non-communicative-ness.
Anyway, moving away from my personal and typical chaos, onto better things in my life. The latest thing I'm learning, is how to effectively use my energy to produce good results (late-night lit homework notwithstanding). Basically, I'm trying not to waste my energy by using others' methods of doing something. I have a new motto/resolution thing for school:
I don't have the energy to waste learning things from these teachers who cannot teach the way I leard, so I will instead revel in learning the exact same things my way during the time formerly spent forcing myself to learn from teachers.
What this means is that I pay only enough attention in class to know what the assignments are, and what the goal behind them is, then work towards completing the assignments (mostly) and reaching that goal without paying any attention to the teacher at all. One exception to this is Bio, since I actually learn easily from the teacher's style of teaching.
Perhaps I should be doing my lit homework, realizing this is nonsense of the sort I'd never normally tell anyone, deleting this, and going to sleep. If I do that, I promise there will be a better version of that last rant, and no one will ever hear about the other things again.
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4 comments:
Well, it's more than twelve hours later, and I see that this post is still here. I'm glad, and I hope it stays up. I don't recommend self-censorship or the second-guessing of one's honest self-expression. The people who are really worth having in your life can handle your truth and ought to be allowed to see it; too much self-censorship in the name of not scaring people away ultimately leads to a much deeper sort of isolation.
Your thoughts on school are good; I came to very much the same conclusions in my own long-gone youth, and they served me well. The way many teachers waste the time and energy of students like us always reminds me of one of William Blake's "Proverbs of Hell": "The eagle never lost so much time, as when he submitted to learn of the crow."
It's not about whether you're around me or not, idiot.
It's not about scaring me or not, either. You scare me sometimes, and frankly I don't mind that at all.
But when you hurt yourself, it hurts me. I feel physical pain seeing you do the things you do. And you know I have no pain tolerance. Sure, I might just be saying this to sound selfish... hell, I don't even know myself.
Sure, school can be annoying. I mean... I felt suffocated in German (probably because I've started actually paying attention.) But why hurt? You're not happier hurting yourself. Some people do feel better in pain, some people are masochists to that degree.
I see your eyes, your face- you don't enjoy it.
You don't like the pain.
This isn't about being fair to me, or scaring me, or any shit like that. This is about you, and I think you know that somewhere deep down.
@Nick, sorry, but your thoughts on "self-censorship..."- while good in theory, they're incredibly stupid in this context. It's not honest self-expression, it's... I can't place it. Come to think of it, it's probably one of her excuses to herself. She's tokened as weird and likes to think of herself as apart from others, or at least not mainstream.
I've seen this before in her behavior, actually. She's accredited for doing something one way, and she clings to that. Maybe she sees it as her way of establishing an image of herself that can be maintained? So she uses scaring me as the excuse for discontinuing the pain.
If she can make people believe that my "fragile, easily shaken" mind is the reason for her pausing and thinking during pain infliction, then she won't feel so bad about not doing it. Most likely everything I'm saying is BS, but then again, due to her nature, if I ramble on this long something I say has gotta hit home. *sigh*
Riva (supposing you'd rather a handle used) ... I don't know what to say beyond all that. You are who you are, I'm sure I've told you that a lot. If you're really someone who enjoys pain and inflicts pain on herself, then that is really who you are. If everything I said missed the mark, then I guess I win the "I'm stupid" argument.
But if anything I said was right...
If anything I said made sense...
You don't need to do anything you don't want to. (Except go to school. >:))
Ah, I see from your response to my comment, Michael, that I didn't make my meaning clear enough. Thanks for speaking up about it and thus giving me this opportunity to clarify:
When I advise against self-censorship, Riva, I mean self-censorship of your writing, and whatever other art you do. When I recommend that you not second-guess or stifle your honest self-expression, I'm once again talking about your writing and any work you might do in other expressive media like graphic art, dance, music, film.
In other words, the third sentence of my original comment was intended to be taken as a continuation of the two sentences preceding it - I was encouraging you to keep posting honest blog entries like this one and to keep them up once you've posted them.
I wasn't referring to practices of physical self-harm as "honest self-expression." I suspect that your motives for such practices have very little to do with self-expression, and even less to do with some of the other motives that other people may have wrongly attributed to you in the past (e.g., self-hatred, masochism, or desire to have a dramatic effect on the feelings of others). I suspect that your motive is more or less just what you say it is: you're prone to slipping out of ordinary consciousness, and this is the most effective way you've found to modulate your consciousness in order to keep from slipping out farther than you dare to.
In hopes that this will prevent further random speculation on my motives:
The post was written because I'm tired and it was on my mind. It is self-expression in a way, but it was not written from my normal perspective, and does not contain my normal thoughts on issues in it.
The post was supposed to be deleted to stop the comments you both have made. The reason it stayed was that I had no time to delete it once I started thinking rationally again.
I hurt myself because my mind destroys itself if I don't. It's an altered state of consiousness, one I have no control over and one that is too far for me to return from easily. The pain is both part of it, and part of coming back from it. I know all my normal reasons are lies, and, Michael, I've told you that many times. I know it hurts you, I know you won't believe me when I say it barely hurts me. That's why I don't want to do anything like that around you.
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