Scheduled Thoughts 2

Religion is weird stuff.

I didn't realize how athiestic my parents were for a very long time, because they let me be as religious as I wanted. I thought of my dad as Jewish and my mom as sort of agnostic. The idea that I knew, and was raised by, athiests was pretty shocking to a person-thing who learned "morals" from old English children's books.

I got used to that, over time. Just now I had a similar moment of disorientation realizing one of my friends is actually religiously Jewish, and probably believes the prayers she says. She's just too logical to be religious, in my head. I've changed over the last five or six years. That's good to know, but I'm not sure I like having the subconscious idea that religion impossible in a logical person.

Conclusion: I need to be less influenced by the value-systems of the books I read. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle is making me superstitious, and The God Delusion is making me an athiest. I'm not an athiest. I'm inventing a religion, goddamnit.

Scheduled Thoughts 1

This is an attempt to have more content in this journal, because I really like the idea of this space.

In this journal, no more than once a day, and no less than once a week, I will post a thought or idea that holds my attention. This does not have to be a full-length analysis of the thought, as in thoughts on thoughts, but can develop into that if it seems useful.

Today's thought is: I hate valentines day. I'm disgusted by it. I woke up this morning with a twisty feeling in my gut, and the thought of all the people with their shiny red heart only made it worse. I know some people hate valentines day because they hate spending it alone and feel inadequate without someone to buy then flowers or whatever. I know other people hate the consumerism of it. Neither of those apply to me, though the first used to, back in middle school, before I decided being single was a silly idea. (I should look at that, shouldn't I?) The fake glitter of it all bothers Puppy (a friend who is either really distant or really close, and I'm never sure which), and that bothers me, too. I think that's the heart of it. And that is as much thought as I have time for today (heh, future subject).

Safety and Love

He reads this blog, so I don't want to write in it in case he's frightened by something he reads.

He says he loves me so sincerely, so I'm afraid I won't love him much longer.

He makes me happy, so I'll have to leave him soon, because I can't depend on him. I can't expect whatever he and I have to last.

Afraid of commitment? Me? How do you figure? I have long relationships by highschool standards. Seriously. It's not like hearing someone say they love me is enough to make me never look at them again.

But I am afraid. I'm terrified. I've had my heart broken once, and I won't have it broken again. Those are the thoughts that destroy my loves. So I'm posting this, where he'll read it, to say I don't mean it when I think I want out. I can't get attached to you, because I can't expect a forever. I know that. So the moment I start getting attached, I start to distance myself, convince myself you aren't worth it. And you are worth it. I love you. I want us to have whatever it is we have, still. That should be enough. I should be focused on the present, on what makes sense in the now. I shouldn't worry about whatever's going to happen, because whatever it is will happen anyway, and worrying never helps. I know that, but I can't convince myself. So maybe if I write it down, it'll help.

This is it. The present is what matters, because at this point in my life, the past is too selective and inconsistant, and the future is too blurred. Neither of them are relevant, except in the ways the past makes me me. I won't ruin something worth having just because of how things were before, and how they might be someday.