The Great Compilation of Dreams

I. Many of my dreams work backwards to reality, and it seems natural. The ground is made of water and people swim instead of walking, buildings tend to be underground, but entered on the -1th floor (one level above ground) from the trains. This is a whole world I have reoccuring dreams about.

II. Complex plots are natural to my dreams. If they were a bit easier to explain and less counterintuitive I'd use them for novels. As it is, I do my best to follow and spend the entire day after an interesting dream thinking about its plot. My dreams are more fascinating to me than the real world quite a bit of the time. As such, lately, I've been wishing I could dream more, but it's probably a good thing I don't. When I live in my dreams, I become too detached.

III. All my dreams seem to be in a series of connected universes, and occasionally I travel between dream-worlds through back-paths. There are two different networks of paths I can access, but they require mild lucidity to use. Luckily I'm usually just a bit self-aware and in control in my dreams. It doesn't occur to me that I don't have to worry about the villians, but it does occur to me that I can do things other than just follow the plot to get away from them.

IV. There have been a couple times in waking life where I felt like I was in one of the more reality-like dream universes. All those times, I've done things I couldn't do under normal circumstances. That's one of the situations in which I truly believe in magic.

V. In my dreams, I always get away unscathed. This is a reflection of my white-middle-class psychological issues. I believe in consequences only with great difficulty. That's gotten me into trouble a couple times....... wince.

VI. I'm over my first girlfriend, Green in this blog, really, yet she still appears in sexual roles in almost all of my dreams relating to sex. Almost all of my dreams relating to sex involve girls, in fact, and all the ones involving guys are more scary than pleasant. But I already knew I have issues with guys.

VII. Kiele's evil twin is a reoccuring character. I have no idea why, she's just in a huge number of my dreams, almost as many as have Green. Picture Kiele (if you know her) only two inches taller and with a really bad haircut. She and I tend to get along pretty well, but I know she's going to kill all my friends.

The pyschology of the trends in my dreams says: I'm an escapist (getting out and never dying, my tendency to live in my dreams) with a complex imagination (fancy plots), a firm belief that I am different from others or somehow special (the buildings going the wrong way, magicy stuff) and issues relating to sex (guys, Green, Kiele).

I don't tend to believe completely in the psychological explanations, though. And after this, there will be no more posts about my dreams, just items added to the lists.

Body Stuff

I'm not good with bodies. I don't read faces well, according to a reliable internet test. I don't know how girls walk, as compared to how boys walk. I don't even notice breast size accurately except when it's on either extreme of the spectrum. I have a slightly better idea of height. I know, fairly accurately, how I compare to most people I know. If I'm away from people for at least a month, I forget how tall they are, though, and what their faces look like, even the basic details like the shape of their heads. I remember a handful of features, seemingly at random. The curve of her nose, her shoulders, spine, and breasts, and a bit of her hair (but I have a particular reason to remember details about that one). I remember hands, hair color, and basic body type the most clearly, with a couple of exceptions. The girl whose nose I've memorized, I never remember her waist even roughly the right size.

And yet, I can recognize most people I know at a distance of 100 feet, from the back, in poor lighting. No idea whatsoever how that works. I've been losing that trick from stress lately. I understand why that happens. As I become more stressed, I feel more isolated, and crave the sight of someone I recognize more. This being the case, I construe familiar features onto unfamiliar people. But I'm not certain they're the people I imagine them to be, so I distrust my ability to recognize people overall.

But the main reason I'm writing all this down isn't to look at unchangable ways my mind works, or to lament the effects of stress on my mind of late. I'm curious how others remember people, how they see me.

I've spent a long time trying to learn what beauty is, what physical features link the people I'm attracted to. I still have no idea. Mostly, I'm attracted to minds.

So, tell me how you see me (physically), please? Tell me how you remember people, what features stick the most in your memory. Tell me about reading body language, 'cause I certainly have never noticed myself doing that with anything approaching accuracy, and other people tend to misread mine. Tell me what it means to you that someone is beautiful. If you like, you can comment anonymously. It makes no difference to me.

Names, again

I'm in the mood to acquire new names, which may not be advisable, what with me only just getting people to call me Riva. It doesn't matter so far, since the only new names have been for parts of myself, not the unified whole.

Quiet is now Silence. Invisible Girl is now Nothing. Not big changes, really, except it accepts that Invisible Girl doesn't even have a voice. She cannot be observed in any way, so she's Nothing. I was Nothing all weekend. It was yucky and hard and I wanted to give up, but I didn't. It's kind of amazing how I didn't.

This is wanting to turn into an examination of my tendency to give up. I guess I can let it, now.

No one would describe me as a pacifist. I'm casually violent, though I rarely cause permanent harm. Nonetheless, I believe in pacifism. I don't believe people should have to fight to get what they need. This mostly expresses itself when I refuse to fight for something that I really need. Or at least, that's how I was, as of Friday. I haven't mentioned this to people, but I guess I should write about it.

Friday morning, I gave up on school. I just decided I wasn't going to go back. Ever. It got too hard, so I gave up. I took the easy path, as usual. My mom talked me out of that, spending hours of both Saturday and Sunday convincing me I didn't have to give up, that fighting was worth it.

School Monday was the hardest thing I've done since I adopted the principle of quitting, at least six years ago. School today was the easiest it's been since at least five years ago.

So, something about deciding not to give up was worth it, I guess. Not being Nothing is a damn good feeling. Talking about what I'm doing with my life, liking the idea of doing it even though it's hard is new and amazing. The thing with Silence is that I can't hear her any more than anyone else, anymore.

I don't know that I'm who I was, but I'm pretty sure I'm who I should be.

A post about inevitable psychology coming soon, I think.