How it meshes with the Dance, I don't know. It's existance for me has been accepted on much the same level as the Dance. They aren't the same, though.
The Game is a choice.
People who know me in person might have heard the rant about how the Dance is unchangable and omnipresent, and how we should just ignore it because of that. The Game isn't like that. Most people don't play.
Maybe most people do play, and just don't acknowledge it. Maybe it's one of those things that should be subconsious and isn't for me. In any case, most people aren't governed by it to the extent that I am.
I shouldn't even be posting this. It's breaking all the rules. Soon, my brain will catch up and make me not post this because it's giving away my advantage.
I don't want that advantage anymore. I want out. I want to not second-guess everyone. I want to say what I think, or only change that for tact. I don't want to be keeping myself one step (or two steps, or ten steps) ahead of everyone. I don't want to watch and wait and pretend. I don't want my life to be based on predicting people and avoiding showing my own pattern.
I've been trying to get out of this for weeks now. It's not working. The watching people, finding their motives, is ingrained into how I relate to people now. And of course I can't tell anyone those opinions, because it'd be giving away my hand. I haven't been able to fill out a single johari window, even though everyone's posting them. Nonetheless, here. Fill it out. It'll hurt me like hell, but it'll still be a good thing.
And while I'm at it, this will hurt even more but be healthy for my mind, too.
Posting this quickly before my brain catches up. Almost into panic mode now.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Thoughts on thoughts4
Not exactly thoughts on thoughts, but intended format is similar. Topic is dreams.
I've been saying lately that I hate dreaming. Lately, that's been true, too. The nature of my dreams hasn't changed much, so obviously (now that I'm writing/thinking) it must be a change of my views on my dreams. So now the question becomes: how do I change back? and: do I want to change back?
Yes, in that order. Changing back probably wouldn't be too difficult. I'd just have to get back into the habit of enjoying the strangeness of my dreams, and overlooking the amount of death/destruction/gore in them. That last thing brings up the second question. I don't want to be unaware of the problems in the world around me, but I don't know if that's even relevant to the dreamworld. Certainly, when I get hurt in dreams, I can make any pain or lasting damage go away fairly easily, and it's not so much that I'm unaware of the destruction, but that I decide it isn't important.
Also to think about: I will continue having strange dreams regardless of whether I hate them or not. Most people would decide that that made the logical course of action be to accept the dreams even if they do have qualities I hate in the waking world. My dreams have been particularly nasty since I started hating them. Accepting them sounds like a good idea, then.
Maybe I can manage to think about all this next time I dream, and try to help the people whose houses are in ruins, or who are going off to a war they aren't prepared for. I tend to be self-aware, creative, and aware that I'm dreaming in my dreams, so I should be able to do something, if I'm not to busy trying to follow the plot. I'll remember that next time I dream, if I can. And no more dreams about deals with the devil that result in the kitchen covered in candle wax, 'k subconscious? 'cause that was a really nasty dream, even if I did manage to not have to give up my soul due to creative ways to melt candles. No, I'm not going to explain the dream.
I've been saying lately that I hate dreaming. Lately, that's been true, too. The nature of my dreams hasn't changed much, so obviously (now that I'm writing/thinking) it must be a change of my views on my dreams. So now the question becomes: how do I change back? and: do I want to change back?
Yes, in that order. Changing back probably wouldn't be too difficult. I'd just have to get back into the habit of enjoying the strangeness of my dreams, and overlooking the amount of death/destruction/gore in them. That last thing brings up the second question. I don't want to be unaware of the problems in the world around me, but I don't know if that's even relevant to the dreamworld. Certainly, when I get hurt in dreams, I can make any pain or lasting damage go away fairly easily, and it's not so much that I'm unaware of the destruction, but that I decide it isn't important.
Also to think about: I will continue having strange dreams regardless of whether I hate them or not. Most people would decide that that made the logical course of action be to accept the dreams even if they do have qualities I hate in the waking world. My dreams have been particularly nasty since I started hating them. Accepting them sounds like a good idea, then.
Maybe I can manage to think about all this next time I dream, and try to help the people whose houses are in ruins, or who are going off to a war they aren't prepared for. I tend to be self-aware, creative, and aware that I'm dreaming in my dreams, so I should be able to do something, if I'm not to busy trying to follow the plot. I'll remember that next time I dream, if I can. And no more dreams about deals with the devil that result in the kitchen covered in candle wax, 'k subconscious? 'cause that was a really nasty dream, even if I did manage to not have to give up my soul due to creative ways to melt candles. No, I'm not going to explain the dream.
Monday, February 06, 2006
emphasis on the lack of coherency
It's 1 in the morning. I'm doing schoolwork that I should have done Saturday (I would say yesterday or day before yesterday, but I'm not sure which) and angsting at myself and generally avoiding sleeping. All of the above are very good signs that I'm in Falling mode again. fun.
Except that it is fun. People are so pretty when they're dying, hurting, when you can taste the blood on their nipples. I suspect that this will be another of those posts that does not last more than a few hours. Maybe I should leave it by way of explanation of why I don't usually write introspective stuff at 1 AM.
I need to stop scaring Michael. It's not fair to him; he didn't ask to be the person who gets to lecture me about leaving bruises on my neck, or my face turning bright red. He didn't say 'I don't mind if you go into accidental altered states of mind around me, during which you nearly kill yourself, then spend half an hour not talking while copying out song lyrics.' He didn't give me permission to be like that around him. I feel horribly guilty, really. It's just that he's there at all the wrong times. I really don't think having 6th period Lit works with my mind. It's better than math, just barely, but it seems to lead to really wierd states of non-communicative-ness.
Anyway, moving away from my personal and typical chaos, onto better things in my life. The latest thing I'm learning, is how to effectively use my energy to produce good results (late-night lit homework notwithstanding). Basically, I'm trying not to waste my energy by using others' methods of doing something. I have a new motto/resolution thing for school:
I don't have the energy to waste learning things from these teachers who cannot teach the way I leard, so I will instead revel in learning the exact same things my way during the time formerly spent forcing myself to learn from teachers.
What this means is that I pay only enough attention in class to know what the assignments are, and what the goal behind them is, then work towards completing the assignments (mostly) and reaching that goal without paying any attention to the teacher at all. One exception to this is Bio, since I actually learn easily from the teacher's style of teaching.
Perhaps I should be doing my lit homework, realizing this is nonsense of the sort I'd never normally tell anyone, deleting this, and going to sleep. If I do that, I promise there will be a better version of that last rant, and no one will ever hear about the other things again.
Except that it is fun. People are so pretty when they're dying, hurting, when you can taste the blood on their nipples. I suspect that this will be another of those posts that does not last more than a few hours. Maybe I should leave it by way of explanation of why I don't usually write introspective stuff at 1 AM.
I need to stop scaring Michael. It's not fair to him; he didn't ask to be the person who gets to lecture me about leaving bruises on my neck, or my face turning bright red. He didn't say 'I don't mind if you go into accidental altered states of mind around me, during which you nearly kill yourself, then spend half an hour not talking while copying out song lyrics.' He didn't give me permission to be like that around him. I feel horribly guilty, really. It's just that he's there at all the wrong times. I really don't think having 6th period Lit works with my mind. It's better than math, just barely, but it seems to lead to really wierd states of non-communicative-ness.
Anyway, moving away from my personal and typical chaos, onto better things in my life. The latest thing I'm learning, is how to effectively use my energy to produce good results (late-night lit homework notwithstanding). Basically, I'm trying not to waste my energy by using others' methods of doing something. I have a new motto/resolution thing for school:
I don't have the energy to waste learning things from these teachers who cannot teach the way I leard, so I will instead revel in learning the exact same things my way during the time formerly spent forcing myself to learn from teachers.
What this means is that I pay only enough attention in class to know what the assignments are, and what the goal behind them is, then work towards completing the assignments (mostly) and reaching that goal without paying any attention to the teacher at all. One exception to this is Bio, since I actually learn easily from the teacher's style of teaching.
Perhaps I should be doing my lit homework, realizing this is nonsense of the sort I'd never normally tell anyone, deleting this, and going to sleep. If I do that, I promise there will be a better version of that last rant, and no one will ever hear about the other things again.
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